09 May 2005 - Spring Report

I first met Nicky and Zack just over ten months ago. Who could have imagined what a wild and wonderful time we would have had?

I’ve been working on “Life Books” for the boys recently. A Life Book is the story of one’s life. An adopted child often finds himself at a loss when it comes to understanding his history, especially about how families are formed and why his family differs from those of his friends. Without accurate information, children tend to make up stories—and the more difficult the questions, the more fanciful the stories can be. A Life Book depicts the major events of a child’s life in a simple, no-nonsense way. It becomes a tool for the parents to use when discussing adoption, and a safety blanket for the child when wondering about his life. It helps the child connect his past with his present, develop a sense of identity, and grasp the factual events surrounding his unique circumstances.

As my boys continue to grow, so will their Life Books, and so will their understanding of the material in the Life Books.

Zack has been receiving one-on-one intensive speech therapy once a week since the beginning of April. The therapist, Christie, comes to our home and works with Zack at the kitchen table, so it’s a very relaxed and comfortable time for him. Christie has performed miracles already! While it’s still very difficult to understand Zack sometimes, everyone can see a clear improvement, not only in his actual pronunciation of sounds, but in his willingness to try hard words and his increased attention to detail. She plays simple games with him centered around words with certain sounds, and also teaches me what she’s doing and why. I then continue the game-lessons with Zack during the following week.

Zack is also blooming emotionally. He is in better tune with his feelings than before, and is better able to express his emotions appropriately. Instead of just shutting down and pouting when dissatisfied, he can now say what he wants and engage in bargaining in order to get it. Of course this also means he has a whole new set of disappointments when bargaining fails, and, oh, joy, he’s learned to whine. Whining never works with me, so the behavior is quickly becoming extinguished in our one-one-one relationship, but unfortunately the strategy sometimes succeeds with friends, his brother, or other adults.

More important, Zack is learning to express his need for nurturing, and is coming to feel secure enough to allow himself to be vulnerable. Yielding physical control to adults has always been hard for him, and yielding emotional control has been all but impossible. Yet little by little, day by day, I see him unfolding. As he learns to trust that I can both protect him and control him, he’s learning that it’s safe to let me take care of him. From that lesson comes true attachment.

The more securely Zack attaches to me, the more securely I attach to him. Attachment is one of the “fake it until you make it” parts of parenting. It’s wonderful to see genuine expressions of affection from him, and it validates all the hard months of work we’ve done together. His sustained eye contact is better, his sensitivity to others’ feelings has improved, his manipulative behaviors have decreased, and he engages in meaningful dialogue more frequently. Best of all, his laughter is now heartfelt, and his giggles are full of joy.

I think he’ll make it.

It’s hard to believe that Nicky has only two weeks of Kindergarten left. Where did the time go? When I ask him what he did in class, he only tells me what they had for lunch, but I know that his favorite part of Kindergarten is drawing. Every day he brings something home for me. Sometimes it’s just a sheet of paper where he’s written “Nicky & Papa” or “Nicky & Daddy” a hundred times, but usually it’s a drawing.

When he first came home, he would only draw in black and white, even though he had crayons and markers available. His drawings were always of houses with stick-figure witches lurking in dark corners. Now his drawings are of smiling suns, colorful flowers, rainbows, and our family doing things together. A psychologist would have a field day, but then it doesn’t take a psychologist to see the changes in him—he is a happy, well-adjusted child.

I remember that it took Nicky a while to warm up to me at the orphanage. When we met in the director’s office, he was well-aware which one of the strangers was an American, and why the American was there. He shot me sidelong glances through long lashes, always quickly looking away when I tried to catch his eye. It wasn’t until the afternoon of the second day that he touched me, or even came close enough for touch. He hesitantly tapped my knee with his forefinger, asking permission to sit on my lap. When I said yes, he swarmed up my leg, wrapped his arms around me, and hung on for dear life.

He still hasn’t let go.

I’m okay with that.