Before the boys started school, I used to take them to the park every morning. While we were there, we often saw other parents and kids, and sometimes I chatted casually with the other parents while we watched our respective children play. Most of the goofy comments I've heard were made at the park, when the boys were fresh from Ukraine. But it hasn't stopped!

Usually the other adults hear me speaking with my boys before talking to me, so they're aware that the boys speak a different language. One Japanese fellow with a two-year-old daughter recognized we were speaking Russian, but everyone else has been completely in the dark.

When the adults get brave enough to ask, the conversation usually goes something like this:

"Is that another language?"

"Yup."

"Not English, then?" they persist.

"No, Russian," I say. Then, because I'm a stickler for details, I usually add, "Well, mostly Russian. It's not quite half Ukrainian."

"They don't speak English?"

"No, Russian and Ukrainian."

"Ah, so you're speaking Russian with them?"

At this point, I usually want to say, "They apparently have better comprehension skills than you do," but I just smile and say, "Yup."

Almost always, the conversation then turns to whether or not the boys were adopted, but one lady completely floored me by saying, "You speak very good English. I'd never have know you were Russian. Where did you learn English?"

Uh-huh, okay. You win, lady. I sighed and said, "Public school."

 
When the conversation turns to adoption, I have an arsenal of ready-to-go answers for the most common questions. Before I got the boys, I'd heard that people asked stupid questions about adoption, but I didn't really believe it. Wow, was I wrong. Here are some actual questions people have asked me at the park, along with my snappy responses:

Q.  "Are those your real children?"
A.  (Long pause) "Yes. I keep the imitations in the hall closet."

Q.  (After establishing I'd adopted both) "Are they brothers?"
A.  "No, they're sisters who happen to be very very butch."

Q.  (Another person) "Are they brothers?"
A.  "If they weren't before, they are now."

Q.  (After establishing I'd adopted Nicky) "Did you adopt the other one, too?"
A.  "No, I kidnapped him. It was cheaper."

Q.  "How much did they cost?"
A.  "More than a pair of barbie dolls, less than a pair of sports cars."

Q.  "Where's their real father?"
A.  "My God! Have I gone invisible again? Sorry, I try not to let that happen in public."

Q.  "Where's their mother?"
A.  (Shouting) "Boys! Did you eat your mother again? Spit her out RIGHT THIS MINUTE!"

Q.  (Different person) "Where's their mother?"
A.  "Drinking pina coladas and getting caught in the rain."

Q.  "Why didn't you have your own children?"
A.  "No ovaries."

Q.  (Another person) "Why didn't you have your own children?"
A.  "You mean these aren't mine?"

Q.  (After talking about the Ukrainian adoption process) "How did you know they were yours?"
A.  "I put nametags on them right away so I wouldn't get them mixed up with the other kids at the orphanage."

Q.  "Are those your bio children?"
A.  "No, they're both robots. Biological children leak too much."

Q.  "Where did you get them?"
A.  "eBay."

Q.  (After asking ages) "Aren't they kind of small?"
A.  "If they were any bigger, their clothes wouldn't fit."

---

 
At the state park in Lewisville, talking to the gate attendant:

Attendant, speaking to kids in back seat: "Hi, boys."

Boys: (silence)

Attendant: "I said hello, boys."

Boys: (silence)

Me: "They don't speak English."

Attendant: "If they don't speak English, what are they doing here?"

Me: "Breathing."

Attendant: "I mean, what are they doing with you?"

Me: "Depleting my bank account as fast as they can."

Attendant, clearly frustrated: "I mean, why are they in America?"

Me: "For life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We'd also like to swim today."

Attendant, really frustrated: "You know what I mean!"

Me: "Yeah, I do. Have a nice day."

---

 
Q.  "Are they Russian?"
A.  "No, American."

Q.  (Same person) "They're obviously Russian. Did you adopt them?"
A.  "No, they're minature spies, and you caught them."

Q.  (Still the same person, after a long pause) "Those are squirt guns, right?"
A.  (Mysterious smile) "I think so."

---

 
Q.  "Are they biological brothers?"
A.  "Yes."
Q.  "I mean, were they biological brothers before you adopted them?"
A.  (blink) "It's not the sort of thing that changes, is it?"

---

 
Q.  (School official) "Are they real brothers?"
A.  "No, they're fake."

---

 
Q.  (Nicky's school chum, over for dinner one night) "Nicky's taller than I am, and I'm ten."
A.  "That's because he eats his vegetables. Would you like some cauliflower?"