14 November 2004 - Almost Four Months

On Thursday of this week, the boys will have been home with me for four months. Hard to believe it's been so long!

Holiday season starts early around here and stays serious for a while. After Halloween, we have Uncle Dan's birthday, then a party at Aunt Linda's, followed by Uncle Steve's birthday, Thanksgiving, Zack's birthday, Nicky's birthday, Christmas, Papa's birthday, and finally New Year's. I'm looking forward to a long, quiet January!

Yesterday was Uncle Dan's birthday, and the boys had their first experience buying presents for someone else using their own money. We got down their banks, counted out quarters, and headed to the store with pockets bulging and jingling with change.

Nicky understood pretty quickly that we were shopping for someone else, but Zack was disappointed that he couldn't spend his money on toy cars for himself. I had to explain the concept at least five times before he caught on. Then he got excited about the idea, and wanted to buy toy cars for Uncle Dan! After we got that straightened out, we settled on picture frames. Each boy would pick out a frame, and insert a picture of himself.

Earlier in the week, Nicky and I had gone shopping for party supplies. We got goofy hats, glittery bead necklaces, party favors, a helium tank, balloons, wrapping paper, party napkins, party plates, and a cake. I wanted to re-use as much as possible for the upcoming parties, so we got Sponge Bob napkins and plates for the boys, but everything else generic.

Nicky already knew the English word "surprise," so it was a short step to teach him about keeping secrets in order to plan a surprise. We giggled and schemed and tip-toed with exaggerated stealth while hiding everything in the garage. When Uncle Dan asked where we'd been, Nicky shrugged his shoulders, held out his palms, and said, "Ni znaio" (I don't know). Then we giggled some more, and exchanged meaningful smirks.

Nicky managed to keep the secret for a whole day. He did fine until Uncle Dan mentioned wanting something from the garage. Nicky took him by the hand and proudly dragged him into the garage to show him the cake, and would have gone on to show him the rest of the stuff, but Uncle Dan (who, of course, already knew) reminded him it was supposed to be a surprise.

On Saturday morning while Uncle Dan slept in, the boys and I decorated the house with streamers and balloons, inserted the pictures in the picture frames, wrapped the presents, and got everything ready for the party. Zack went to wake Uncle Dan, and then the boys hid behind the table so they could jump up and shout "Surprise!" when he wandered blearily downstairs a few minutes later.

Having Uncle Dan's birthday first is a stroke of luck. Now the boys understand about birthday parties, and why the birthday boy has a special day. When Zack and Nicky's birthdays roll around next month, we shouldn't have a lot of jealousy or hurt feelings when one of them gets presents and the other doesn't. I wanted them to have a good practice session with Uncle Dan, so they can get into the spirit of giving gifts to each other and feeling happy for someone else.

Both boys have been sick this week. Zack started coughing suddenly in the middle of the night on Wednesday, then got a fever to go with it. He got a little bit better for a day, then the fever came back, the cough got worse, and his chest started rattling. Since we've been practicing sharing so much lately, he decided to share his disease with his brother. On Friday, Nicky started coughing—the same low-pitched barking cough—and also developed a fever. Because he's older and has to have a little more of everything than his brother, Nicky decided he also needed a runny nose. It appears to be croup (viral), and unless the fevers spike high or they develop trouble breathing, there isn't much I can do for them except keep them comfortable, keep them hydrated, and help them wait it out.

The fevers haven't been very high. Each boy has been just over 101 degrees a couple of times, but usually hovers around 99. They respond very well to children's Motrin, and when the fevers are down, they believe they're all better and demand to play outside. They feel worse mid-afternoon and at night, and have actually asked to take naps!

Aside from a few pouting sessions brought on by feeling sick, both boys have been behaving extremely well lately. They play nicely together most of the time, do their chores, and get on with the business of being kids without too much drama. It's wonderful to see them continuing to adjust to family life.

I went to see Dr. Barb Rila last week. Barb is a psychologist who specializes in helping children who've been adopted from Russia and Ukraine. I've been trying to get in to see her since August, and our schedules finally coincided enough for me to make an appointment. She's helping me find ways to work on attachment issues and sleep issues (the two biggest problem areas remaining), and had some marvelous suggestions. More than anything else, though, she's helping by giving me encouragement. It's easy for me to forget just how far the boys have come already and get bogged down with worries about their progress or my parenting abilities. It's very uplifting to talk to professional who has so much experience with our exact issues, and hear that we're all doing very well.

Zack has been a lot more cuddly lately, and is doing much better with eye contact. His language development continues to be a concern, but I can see progress. He has trouble forming certain consonants (in both Ukrainian and English), and will need professional speech therapy to learn how to hear the sounds and how to hold his mouth and tongue to reproduce them. The school is supposedly working on that, but I think I'll take him to a private clinic for evaluation and therapy before long.

Nicky has been a cuddle-bunny almost since the day I adopted him, but is finally learning how to express his feelings with words, too. He recognizes happy faces, sad faces, puzzled expressions, angry frowns, worried looks, fear, and contentment. It's an amazing experience to watch him learn to identify his own feelings as well as recognizing what others feel. I've been working hard to remember to talk about emotions when we read books, watch movies, or just live our lives, and it's neat to see him pick up on it and volunteer his own estimations of how others feel.

We continue our daily ritual of family identification. We started in Russian back before the adoption was complete, then switched to Ukrainian as the boys taught me the words, and now do it every day in English. I hold each one at least once a day, meet their eyes, and say, "You're my son, I'm your daddy, and I love you." They respond, "I'm your son, you're my daddy, and I love you."

Simple, corny, goofy ... but effective for all of us. Humans like rituals. They give us a sense of peace and satisfaction, of fulfillment. Through repetition, the simple words take on significance far beyond their definitions, and bring comfort and security.

The other day, after the ritual and snuggling down to sleep, Nicky patted my face, gazed into my eyes, and said, "Daddy! MY daddy!" over and over.

I told him he was a wonderful boy.

He said I was a wonderful daddy, and threw his arms around my neck.

I didn't know I could still cry like that.